annoying middle earthians
by tazzledmuch
Summary: a girl and her father drive off a cliif, only to find themselves in middle earth.
1. Chapter 1

*Forever Quest *

Fanfiction

Written by

E.

Elli Hatchet (POV)

The wind blew past & thru my awkwardly red and blond hair; my blond streak whipped me in the eye. As my dad pulled his dumpy old Volkswagen, around the bend, with me sitting clutching the edge of my seat for dear life; as he zoomed past the past my aunt Helen's old house… making his way onto 42nd street, and zipping through the highway, Making his way onto the next intersection.

He eventually got off the exit… and sped, thru coos bay, with about five cops on his tail, my heart raced with a new found anxiety. He wouldn't pull over no matter how many times I asked him to…

"Dad! Pull over…" I yelled waving my arms franticly in the air, "dad stop! The car!"

My yelling turned into screaming. And my dad didn't say anything... nothing came out his mouth… he just looked toward the road, aiming for anything and everything.

"Dad, Take me home. Moron! Stop the car!"

Sighing he eventually said 'Elli we have nothing left…" he gulped trying to hold back his unmanly tears, "since mom… you know… well I can't just live life fully without her."

"you not saying what I think you're saying?'

"yes! Elli… I'm finished"

"No you're not! Just stop and maybe they'll let you off this time." I cringed as I saw a cliff on the end of the road.

The tires screeched, as my dad pulled to stop, but things in this world are sooner or later dead, because no one can live forever, can they?

Dad looked at me, "Elizabeth you need get out of the car"

Tears fell from my eyes, this was almost too much anxiety to take.

"dad! No… " I sobbed, "you can't leave me here alone.."

He put his hand on my shoulder, "your life is more precious than mine…"

I looked at him; he was totally freaking me out, "no dad I'm going with you"

"No Elli I can't let you."

"Mom's gone, you know more than me, we have nothing left."

That when the car pulled off the cliff, in a bouncing fashion.

It flipped and we slid into the abyss, with dad's dumpy car holding our body's inside.

My last breath had been used. As the car blew up…

-Arthur Hatchet (dad's POV)

I awoke on a mattress. Tears filled my eyes… "Elli, No!"

That when realization hit me, like a fly hitting the outside a car window.

I was alive, and this mattress was nice… real nice. It was bouncy…. Wait! I heard birds chirp outside the window behind me.

I sat up, looked at one side of the room then the other.

This is not my room, and there's no light bulbs, nothing electronic.

'This is so medieval" I said as the thought aroused…

"Where's Elli! Where's my daughter…

I turned around facing the window…

"You got to be kidding me…. " my eyes twitched, "Rivendell…?."

Every ting went black…

Elli Hatchet's (POV)

I had awoken several minutes ago; I was now looking out the window on the greatly tiled balcony…"

"Where am I!"

I heard the door to the greatly furnished room open slightly…

I turned, and there before me, was a strange grey and beardy old man with a staff...

Wait… "middle earth? Rivendell? Gandalf?" I felt dizzy, "this makes no sense…"

It all went black for me.

I re-opened my eyes to the sound of my dad's voice saying something to me. Only I could not make out the words that he was saying.

(Yawn)

"Dad is that you… where's Gandalf…."

There was a long pause before my dad said anything else.

"Elli…"

"Yes… dad!" too afraid to open my eyes, for fear of it being Gandalf again.

"Elli it's you father, open your eyes"

"Nuh! uh!" I said, "No way am I opening my eyes, Middle Earth isn't real."

"Yes it is… Elli.. get up and open your eyes"

"Dad?" I said pondering whether to listen to him, or pretend that I am not really here but in my room, that's it, my room. My dad's just walking into my room that's all… I didn't miss my last day of high school, it's today, and I'm definitely, in no out of earth way in freaking middle earth with my 36 year old dad.

Not possible, no way, nada nope I'm not going to buy this one.

"Elli this place is real!" his voice sounded annoyed.

"No it's not, we're not in Middle Earth dad, we are in the car you're speeding in your dumpy old Volkswagen off the…? Cliff…."

I opened my eyes, waves of tears fall down my face, as my face falls into my hands, and into my lap. "nooo…." as salted tears fell into my mouth.

"shhhhhhh….." my dad said in the most mother like fashion, "it's going to be okay, we died Elli, we have a chance at another life."

"This is not home dad…" I merely sighed, "We died and so went life it's self."

"Elli… that was downright depressing..." My dad looked skeptical of me, maybe he thought it wasn't really me, he always checked my bellybutton to see if I'm an alien.

"Elli!" he said pointing toward my shirt where my belly button should be.

"Dad….. Not right now!"

"Yes Elli…." He said darkly, "show me your belly button…"

"Nnnoooooooooooooooooooo…." I cried, jumping off the bed, in my night garb, which was also medieval. I look at myself in the mirror for just one second. "Hey…. I look good in my medieval pajama dress thing…" then I whipped my long multi colored hair out of my face so I could see if my dad was still after me, He was….

"Dad I have a belly button" I said with one hand to my hip, and the other pointing toward his scruffy orange beard, that looked somewhat like a cotton ball.

"Elizabeth Ann Hatchet! " he pointed at me, pointing at him, "put down that finger! and show me that belly button!"

"Dad I'm not a little girl anymore, I don't need to show my belly button to any one if I don't want to… "

"Then you're not my daughter" he walked away pretending to cry. " you are an alien in my daughter's body…!"

"Dad comes off it!" I said a bit annoyed, "I don't want to play you're weird ass game anymore."

"Why not…" my dad said, turning around slowly grinning evilly, "I'm only trying to help you escape from the…."

He began to tickle my tummy and tickle me…

"Belly button monster!"

"ahhhhhh…. Stop it, stop it right now!" I giggled uncontrollably,

"Fine Elli, I was only trying to help you remember to smile." He said helping me up… "you furrow your eyebrows too often… "

"Well you're not helping." I stammered icily.

There was a knock on the door.

"ummm…. Who's there?"

The door swings open… "It is I Lord Elrond!"

"And I'm Mary Poppins" laughed Elli.

"Welcome to Rivendell Mary"

"Actually Mary was a friend of mine"

"Ummmm… Mr. Elrond… I'm Arthur, this is my daughter Elli. Where are we? How did we get here?"

"Are you the famous Arthur of the round table?"

"Ummm… no. he died, I'm Arthur of the kitchen table."

"What about me? What am I? Elli of the round mirror?"

Elrond quirks his famous eye brow…. He walks out of the room in to corridor. "I'll go get Gandalf…"

Arthur looks over at Elli "I should have asked to see his belly button"

"You wouldn't dare…." I give my dad the look. It looked somewhat repulsive, but it was a look.

"What are we doing here? Are we dead? Is this heaven?"

"If this is heaven, my butt tastes and smells like a taco"

"ewww dad that is so…. Gross."

"Yeah I guess it kinda was" my dad shrugged.

"Dad do you think we'll join the fellowship?" I said.

"Certainly" my dad said, "there's no way stopping us, plus I'll need the exercise."

"ok if you say so?" I said while moon walking.

"uh Elli you do realize you're moon walking?" my dad asked.

"Yep! Yes I am."

"OK just asking" my dad shrugged.

Just when I was about to stick my tongue out at my weird dad, lord Elrond walked in again.

"Lady Elli" he began.

"Howdy Lord Elrond"

"howdy, howdy, howdy" my dad mimicked.

Lord Elrond just raised his humongous left eyebrow at my dad, not that shocking really, I would too… if I could. only I cant, A. my eye brows are not huge enough, and B. I can only lift both at the same time. Sucks I know.

Then Elrond the elf who has the largest eyebrows in the world, began to talk. "Lady Elli"

I coughed "just Elli please spare me the lady crap!" I said rolling my eyes.

My dad began to fart with laughter, when I mean that I only mean each time my dad laughs for three seconds he farts,

I know what your thinking, gross or maybe even disgusting, but hey he's my dad. what can I say.

Just as I was about to roll my eyes, the grey bearded man came in again; aka Gandalf.

"I see the two from the prophesy have come at last."

He said.

"uh… *cough* what prophesy…" I asked.

Gandalf looked at me s if I was insane.

"the prophesy about a mother a father and a daughter who come into this world to help save it."

"sir… I mean no disrespect but Elli's mother is dead." my dad said scratching his head.

Gandalf cleared his ancient throat, "No Arthur your wife is very much alive."

"my mom's here is middle earth?" I asked in shock.

Gandalf nodded.

"Sweetness!" I chirped excitedly.

"how did she get here Gandalf?" my dad asked

"Arthur she was born here" Gandalf sighed, "as were you."

"what! I was born in an orphanage, not possible." my dad replied.

"dad's right how can this even be true?" I stammered.

"you see Elli I am your grandfather, your father is my son."

"what!" me and dad both said at the same time.

"it's very true, your mother Elli was Galadriel's second daughter Eriel, Elrond's wife's little sister and elf., and you Arthur are a wizard."

I began smile, my smile grew wider as I began to speak,

"so does this mean I can call you a really old man."

"Not at any moment are you allowed to do such."

"aww shucks" I said.

"so can I see her dad." my dad said, "can I see Eriel can I see my wife."

I looked at my Grandy Gandy menacingly, of coarse we were going to see her they was no way they could stop us, not now not ever! I screamed mentally.

Gandalf coughed for a minute as if invading my bubble, as in the thoughts that can linger in my weird ass mind,

"geeze Grandy stop probing into my mind!" I shouted, I knew I shouldn't of probley said that, but hey what a girl to do, when her grandfather has a retarded name… Geesh, so dumb.

***IT'S A CONSPIRACY! EVERONE SCRAM!***

He just looked at me weird, they both did… *rolls eyes* "men…." I mutter under my minty breath.

***(in this story I can do any thing! No Lies…)***

"so…" my dear old dad said fluttering his short and puny eye lashes in dramatic effect, "when can we see my dead wife, who isn't really dead! Eh! Daddy-waddy-kins!"

"eww dad..!" I cried in alarming loudness that I think blew the little bird on my window seel into smithereens… I looked at the pile of ash from the cute and cudley bird that went BOOM! And died… I sniffed a single tear rolled down my cheeck… then unfortunally I looked back at my dad! BOY! he really was a ginger wasn't he?

Gandalf glared at us, apparently we were annoying him… well mostly me…

Well… ALL ME!

I punched the air with my fist… "YES!"

"Arthur your wife with be meeting you dining hall… she wishes to speak to you and elli."

Dad just starred into deep spacey. God! He was such a space cadet. I just for some reason only blinked. That's pretty much all could do.

Sad isn't it?

I waved my hand in front of my dads eyes. Well I would say it worke miracle's on him. But that would be lying… And everyone knows lying is for weenie's. and I sure as hell wasn't a weenie.

"DAD!" I piped "I think I have a penis!."

"elli" my dad sighed. "you're a girl!"

"nuh uh!" I said obviously objecting…

I would like to say I grew a penis, but that just didn't happen. I wasn't fooling anyone…

"elli.." my dad said solemly.

"yes dad?"

"Shut!" he held his breath… "UP…." he said practicley fainting.

*huh?* I guess he held his breath to long.

Then gandy spoke again.

*well Duh!*

"Arthur why don't you go to your separate room and get changed into something decent elli will meet you in the dining hall after she's changed into something as well."

"okay!" my dad said hopping out of the room on one foot.

I blinked again, *damn eye lash!*

"elli.." my Grand-dad began…

"yes gandy?" I looked up inosently hoping for a reaction.

It did not work the way it was Darn well supposed to…

He rolled his old crusty eyes at me.

*noooooooo! I'm blind!*

"your cousin arwen is going to come in as soon as I leave to help you find a dress."

With that he walked away before I could say anything else…

"ARE THEY LOST!" I yelled after him…

But no cigar he didn't say anything else. *meanie*

With out any moment to lose, arwen my cousin *so god! Help me!* skipped thru the door. I knew instantly we were gonna be great friends…. Great friend my butt!

"Weeeeeeeee!" arwen screamed rather loudly in fact.

She attempted to do a summer solt.

Rather unfortunately she did land flat… on her face, on her head…. On the floor.

I shook my head smirking.

Arwen like an energetic bunny popped randomly onto her feet if bunny's even have feet….. Oh…. Right! How stupidalah bunnies don't have human body parts… I'm so Stupid how could I forget paws as fuzzy and eenie meanie as a bunny wonni.

GEESH I JUST SOUNDED LIKE A MORON.

***god help my soul…. Eh, SOON! …. Hopefully before it goes poof! LIKE NOW! ….please….***

Arwen like any other girl had a bundle of dresses held up, while panting…. In pink… and smiling…

I backed away slowly… all the dresses were pink! OH MY WHAT? *scary!*

I clear my throat at arwen crept near me *eeeek!*

"uh cuz! I think I'll just find something darker…"

She nodded hopefully…

"like Forest green…and…"

I looked in the closet behind me…. There to my amazement was in fact a forest green dress with long flowing sleeves…. A turned around and grinned pointing toward the chosen dress, I well chose…

"sorry arwen my cuz!"

She still was holding the frilly pink thing within her pink nail painted hands…. Smiling even bigger.

I sighed I was horrified, so I decided what any normal young half elf/wizard cousin would do….

And….

I had been jumping up and down franticly pointing desperately for about ten minutes at obviously green dress, that I had obviously chosen… that was in the closet…

When it came to me… I pulled out green dress holding it in front of her face until… her annoying smile decreased ninety nine and a half percent… well let's just say it wasn't pretty…

"ARWEN!" I said cuz I was awesome, "will you help me put THIS! Dress on!" I was practically squealing.

You could say I was being annoying.

You could also shut up…

"oh… ok-ay….. I suppose so…" she replied as if her life was ending before my very eyes… AS IF!

"I'll luv…. You FO-EVA! If yah do…"

I was apparently wiggling my eye brows in slow motion, that I was getting some funny looks from arwen, some funny looks indeed… she had even applied 'THE JOKERS' makeup from that batman moveh'. 'THE DARK KNIGHTEN-GALE.' aka the dark knight.

Ok…. Moving on!

Her clown make up now long gone, she had began smiling again. And let's just say it was not as scary as it was…. I think!

"Sure I'd love too!" arwen sang…

"whew! I thought I was for sure going to have to wear the hideous pink frilly tent… that you have in your hand… that is hideous."

"what?" arwen looked confused..

"oh nothing" what she didn't hear can't hurt you.

"oh… Okay!" she smiled brightly and rather less annoying, she put down the pink frills and pointed at the green beauty.. "here Elli! Let me help you get that dress on properly.."

"I'd thought you'd never ask…"

Finally my dress was on and my hair was French braided, *kinda like Angelina jolie in tomb raider except for the little mermaid red hair and the bleach blond side bangs.*

I had just walked thru the mostly deserted halls, besides the short bearded men of coarse… *whipers to no one* but dwarves don't really count. Besides being small…. And annoyingly short…

*some short hairy man called gimli just gave me the stink eye… ah well, you can't please everyone*

I skipped toward the door and opened it…

Oh hot damn.. I was way gorgeous…

I noticed everyone had stopped every thing as just stared.

I must be a babe to look at.

But I guess that wasn't it because their expressions were of fear not of dreamy recognition of how beautiful and exquisitely charming I was…

*that's my excuse for mostly everything*

Just as I was about to ask them all if there was something on my face. A small smelly mutated blur jumped over me onto the floor.. But it was just Gollum and gimli *aka shorty* walked thru the doors and walk around my normal sized form…cutting off Gollum's mutated head… uh… \EWWW!

I squinted at disembodied head on the floor… Gollum blood was hot pink… my eyes rolled behind my face, and somehow or another I had fainted in the process.

*ugh!*


	2. Chapter 2

-CHAPTER 2-

Arthur Hatchet's (POV)

i looked across the table at my daughter form on the floor, then sighed dramaticlly, this was typical Daughter material, she alway's toppled over in a faint when she saw the color pink. i've come to realize she in fact fears that obnoxious girly color more than anything in existence.

and let me tell you... pink is very obnoxious i have known for a while that my daughter Elli believes the same thing i do...

THAT PINK! IS AN OBOMBINATION!

the color pink is also a fear of mine **caugh** uh... just not as much of a fear as elli when it comes to pink though... i do not faint at the sight of it like she does. i simply just slowly die inside the very depths of my soul.

my expierence with pink has not been a happy one... no... **shudders**...

no not at all..

when i was a little boy at the mere age of eight, i had lived at an all girls orphanage, only i was not a girl and i didn't understand them at the time, infact i stiill don't, that's what bothers me.

so ever night when i would go to bed i would hope for some one to save me, but that person never came and i was stuck alone with these crazy female torturing bimbo's who wanted to destroy me. of coarse most of them were younger than me and i feared what they were planning to do to me. because they almost alway's travel in a pack. and if there were to be enough of them all together at once. i would be doomed for all time...

well at least until i got older, found a job and moved on, and move far away... far.. far ... away!

but any to cut it short, they had snuck into my small room at night while i was getting ready for bed, of coarse my back was turned and they had snuck up behind be and whacked me across the head with a base ball bat, knccking me unconcious. and they did terrible things to me.

they painted my nails pink, changed my cloths... uhhhh... pink... and bleached my hair then dyed it bubblegum pink and put make up on me with very... pink blush and eye shadow. that i almost looked like a deranged feminine dressed male version of 'dolores umbridge' from the harry potter movies.

of coarse the harry potter movies and books were not around in the 70's and early eightes. not there at all. if they had been there i prabably could of had something to live for after that utter humiliation.

it took a long time to get rid of the pink in my hair and when college finally came around i had tried out for the swim team, only to be laughed at by the other college guy's becuase i had a tattoo etched onto my back in pink glittering letters 'BARBIES KEN'. of course they all laughed at me after that and i had to drop out of collage because i could not take anymore.

i later got a job fixing cars, got married, settled down, had baby girl name Elli, got arrested, went to prison for a crime i didn't commit, my wife supposedly died while in and out of prison for sixteen years. got released from prison and went to take care of my daughter who had just turned seventeen and had been living with her deranged best friends family...

until i came to her rescue like the amazing father that i am.

but but of course i actadentally burned down my old ophanage by smoking on the property and then leaving the still lit bud on the old dried up grass, that was the front lawn.

many little girls died that night and that's why me and my daughter drove thru coos bay oregon only to fall off a cliff and die. the later on wake up in a very messed up version of peter jackson's movie trilogy basec on jrr. tolkien lotr's series aka middle earth.

and we wake up in rivendell and yeah... that's pretty much what happened... OTHER THAN FINDING OUT MY FLIPPIN WIFE WAS STILL FLIPPIN ALIVE! AND MY WIFE WAS AN ELF! AND I"M THE DAMN SON OF A BLOODY! FICTIONAL WIZARD1 CALLED GANDALF, AND MY DAUGHTER IS A MIXED BREED MUTT, WHO IS HALF ELF PRINCESS AND THE GRANDAUGHTER TO THE GRUMPYEST BLOODY WIZARD OF THE GRUMPYEST BLOODY KIND!

ANY WAY -end of slashback-


End file.
